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I'm not generally an optimistic person. It's not something I am, but lately, I've tried really really hard to stay as optimistic as possible. What will fighting through countless job applications, money issues, and problems with my car and living situation; I still try my hardest to stay optimistic. But as it is with most things, something always has to get in my way. Everyday it's something; but today, it was something on an entirely new level.

To start the day off I woke up to a dark and rainy day; Not a terrible thing but no necessarily a good thing either. To continue I spent the bulk of my day doing nothing more than wasting time; But then, I get a break from my somber day. I decided to go spend some time with some of my friends. This worked out to no ones advantage as even though it was just like any other time I've gone to do this exact same thing, the worst possible thing that could happen, happened.

On the drive home I passed a couple of cops; this would be fine if it wasn't for the fact that I hit a deer the week before and only had one headlight. So I get pulled over; No big deal, my car is legal. The thing I didn't know is that I wasn't. Apparently I had a warrant out for my arrest for (get this) failure to appear on a no seat belt ticket. For those of you that don't know, that is a $25 ticket where I'm from. Because of this, I was also driving on a suspended license. So the put me in hand cuffs and tell me that they are going to have to tow my car. (I also got a speeding ticket so yeah). I got lucky enough that the county that issued the warrant was to lazy to come and get me, so I didn't have to go to jail.

So in one night, I lost:

My driver's license

My car

My I.D. (I can't buy cigarettes or alcohol)

And to add to that, I now have to pay the original fine, a reinstatement fee, however much it cost to get a new I.D., impounding fees, and a speeding ticket.

But the biggest thing of all is MONTHS ago, I was told this ticket was "taken care of"

What a day

No matter how well you think you know someone, it's never as well as it seems. Everyone has their secrets; and in some cases, people aren't what they seem. Take me for example; People who call themselves my friends think they know me pretty well, but this isn't necessarily true. I have my secrets just like everyone else, it's just not about what people might think.

People generally think I'm an open book because I'm willing to talk about the things I did in my past, but these things don't really matter to me anymore. I, in some way or another, hope that people can learn from my mistakes when they hear about all of the things that come from that kind of lifestyle, but the things that really matter; the things that really bother me, I keep to myself.

Even if I really trust you or even truly call you my friend I still can't tell you everything. Only a select amount of people know the real me. Some of my old friends know who I was before and some of my new friends know who I project myself to be, but I can't think of many people who actually know me. I don't know if it comes from trust issues or if it comes from me being somewhat ashamed of who I really am but I can't just give myself to people anymore. I always wonder if other people are like that or if people are more willing to give themselves to the people they know.

It's interesting to see or hear what people perceive of me; whether it be from how I act or how I look or whatever else people judge other people on, it's always interesting. Some people see me as some sort of Nihilist while others see me as someone who only seems lost. People used to perceive me as the loner kid or just "different" when I was just like them. I just didn't wear the same clothes.

Maybe I don't know what I am, which might be why I have so much trouble projecting myself to the people I know. Maybe I don't even know who I am. At my age, an identity crisis isn't common. People usually know who they are and what they stand for by this age, probably because they are forced to decide their path in life almost as soon as high school ends. With college it's choosing your job path and with that, the type of people you will spend almost the rest of your life with. The people that don't go to college usually have something to fall back on and through that can kind of predict the type of people the spend their life around, be it some sort of factory workers or Military or even bar hoppers, they kind of know where they are going to be. I'm in some sort of Limbo or purgatory in this sense, What with me not really knowing what the future holds in store for me. The type of people, the situations, even the jobs in store are all vague at best. I'm not set on any "life path" or anything like that. I know I have some people I would like to keep near me for as long as I can, but I still don't quite have a place of my own yet.

Most people get to pick there path off of what they enjoy doing or what they are good at. Most people get some sort of hobby in their teen years, be it working on cars or helping people or even crime (yes, I just called crime a hobby), it sends they down the path they kind of fit on; But I was a fickle person in my youth, always switching my interests between things until I finally settled on something. But that something isn't going to take me anywhere in my life, I have to find something outside of, in all honesty, the only thing I know. I have other things I enjoy or know about but to be apart of these things in the real world, I need some sort of degree in that subject and even then I might still get stuck doing something I probably won't enjoy.

I'm at a crossroads with no idea which road to take...